Reflections and Responses

For a while now (way too long, actually), I've dreamed about a big, personal writing project, but I haven't begun the work. My reasoning was that I wasn't ready. I've been waiting to reach a level of spiritual intimacy that somehow qualified me or made me worthy to write this material, which will center on faith. (I know, funny - keep reading.) Beginning the project before I was qualified/valid/equipped/"legit" seemed hypocritical since most days I either putz around and waste what precious little free time I have, or I busy myself with other not-as-important "priorities" (perhaps as a form of avoidance or denial?). I had an epiphany about this today and realized two things: 1. Doing the work may be just what I need to do in order to grow in my spiritual life. I will mature in the process of researching, writing, and wrestling with this material. The process will force me to seek out answers through scripture and prayer. I'll be breathing ...

I passed our infant carseat on to someone else last week. I did the same thing with my maternity clothes. If those seems like drastic steps for someone who up until fairly recently said she wanted to be pregnant, it's because they are. They seemed that way to me too. Even though I was confident I was supposed to pass these items to these particular expectant moms, I still felt a lump in my throat as I drove away without the carseat. If you've followed along with our journey at all, you know that as much as John adores Olivia, he never felt a strong pull to have a second child. I always wanted another and assumed that we would. It wasn't even a question in my mind. We continued to disagree on this (rather substantial) decision for quite a while, so we decided that we'd spend the year 2016 praying intentionally and specifically about this issue, asking God to bring unity. I realize how funny this it is now. God is not a Magic 8 ball who provides answers at...

I was thinking this morning about plants. I've never been successful at sustaining plants, and the reason why is pretty embarrassing. I rarely read the directions. In fact, sometimes I rip off the little piece of cardboard with the directions on it because it interferes with the aesthetic of the plant. This realization became an instant parallel with how I live. Too often I treat God's Word like I treat the instructions for plants, naively coasting through without reminding myself of what I can do in order to thrive. Like the plant distributors, my Father has provided everything I need (wisdom, encouragement, comfort, hope) in writing for me to dwell on as often as possible. What a generous gift. Yet, I tend to act as if these words are optional. The parallels continue. Like taking care of plants, we have to be proactive in nurturing our souls. If we wait to water or relocate a plant until there are signs of decay, there's a good chance that some permanent damage has...

1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to give thanks in everything. I've been struck by this verse recently, and I've been unpacking every word. "In" The Word says to give thanks "IN" it...not once we're on the other side of a messy situation and can see God's sweet purposes in it. In the moments when we are feeling hurt, anxious, confused or impatient... give thanks to God during these moments. The result of this is that we invite His calming presence into our minds. Choosing to connect with Him in the tough moments is the very best thing we can do, because He can provide help, wisdom, comfort, empathy, or whatever we need in that moment. Ephesians 3:20 reminds us that He can do "exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think." Applied here, that means we should never underestimate what He can do when we choose maintain a pliable, grateful heart no matter what is swirling around us. "Everything" Anyone can feel content and gra...

While I was doodling with Olivia last night, I had a thought. The voice in my head tells me: "Jesus loves me when I am _____." (Fill in the blank with lofty adjectives and idealistic descriptors like "perfect," "a selfless wife," "in Olympic shape.") But His voice gently corrects me and says: "Jesus loves me when I am." There's a period there, not a colon or a blank space. He loves me simply because I exist. He's loved me since the moment I was an idea in His head. That means He has loved me before I even had the opportunity to achieve, attain or perform. He loves me simply because I am . We spend so much energy trying to earn love and approval and be worthy of it.... but the One whose opinion matters most labeled us as "loved" before we took our first breaths. We can take off the pressure, the facades, the pull-ourselves-up-by-our-bootstraps mentality.... we're loved. Amen? Amen. P.S. I really love t...

Dear Hardworking Husband, Thank you for the sacrifices you make. Thank you for working many more than 40 hours each week so that I can be home and be present with our daughter.  Thanks for taking sandwiches for lunch instead of going out with the guys, rarely buying new dress clothes, and not indulging your desire for Dunkin coffee. Thanks for partnering with me. You have every right to sprawl out on the couch when you get home, but you often choose to play, work in the yard, fix something or all of the above. Thanks for not only being a hands-on dad and an employee, but also a plumber, electrician, lawn care expert, car mechanic, and so much more. Thank you for being patient with me. Thanks for letting me vent and complain, even when it's about you! Thanks for giving me breaks when you sense I need them. Thanks for acknowledging the seriousness of my job and never making me feel "less than." Thanks for actively listening to me share the details of our day, wh...

I wanted to share some thrilling news with you: Olivia does not need surgery after all!!!!!! To make a very long story short, today we learned that some of her initial measurements were handled incorrectly, so her heart is not nearly as enlarged as it seemed! The hole is not putting the amount of distress on her heart as it looked like originally when the team used the faulty numbers. She may need to have the hole closed o ne day, but for now, she's looking great! Obviously this misstep, along with several slips the cardiologists made throughout the past few weeks, are being taken very seriously by those in leadership at the heart center. They understand that much trauma resulted for us from this error. This is such astonishing news - we had asked God to avoid surgery if there was ANY way we could do safely, and look at what He did! I may write more later once I collect Thank you again for all of your love and concern - we have an incredible village ...

It's been a week now since our not-so-routine cardiology appointment. Loved ones have been asking me how I'm doing and what I need. I've answered this question differently each time I have been asked! Honestly, I've gone through quite the spectrum of emotions, much to my husband's delight. :-) Ha, I kid. He is wonderful and patient, but he just processes things differently than I do. This is one of the (several) lessons that God has ALREADY taught me in the past seven days. He made John's brain unique from mine, and that was on purpose ! We contemplate, analyze, dwell and respond differently to every situation we encounter, and this is no exception. Just because we are not feeling or expressing exactly what our spouse is experiencing doesn't mean that we cannot hear him or her out and validate the expression. In fact, we should seek ways to draw those emotions and reflections out of our partner and really listen, not trying to rush through, explain away, ...

We expected a routine appointment. Last April, the cardiology team told us that we did not have to return for another check-up on the hole in Olivia's heart for a full year. This was music to a mom's and dad's ears! Since her pediatrician had noticed the severe murmur in her heartbeat when she was just four days old, we'd visited the cardiologist office several times to monitor any changes in heart function. So far, it seemed that this hole was not causing any problems, and the doctors said that it might even close on its own. The ultrasounds of Olivia's heart today revealed a different story, unfortunately. The left side of her heart has enlarged slightly over the last year, which tells us that this precious organ is under a bit of stress due to the turbulence of the extra blood flowing in and out of the hole. The first cardiologist who reviewed the ultrasounds with us today told us what we really did not want to hear: Olivia is heading down the path that req...

Today I had my annual check-up at my ob-gyn. DON'T WORRY and KEEP READING - this is not a post with details about what happens once you leave the waiting room! I was in the waiting room for about 40 minutes. Looking around, I was astounded by the range of emotions I saw on display by the other patients. Two obviously pregnant women sat to my right, each looking content and pleasant as they rested their hands on their round bellies, calmly flipping through pregnancy magazines and scrolling on their phones. Across the room was a college-aged girl who was whispering nervously to her mom. Must be a first timer, I figured. A couple sat in the corner. The woman looked excited and the man fidgeted, looking like he'd rather be cleaning toilets than sitting in that room. I wondered about the story behind those two. A very, very pregnant mom waddled in holding her toddler's hand. Instantly I felt tired on her behalf. Directly across from me was another couple. Their faces...

This morning I had one of those rare (but always welcomed) moments of hearing from God almost audibly. I heard: "God wastes nothing." I ruminated on that for a while and decided that if it is true, it also means that God redeems everything .  There is no loss, sin, hurt, disappointment, mistake, relationship, degree, or pursuit that He cannot use for Kingdom purposes - to draw His children closer to Him and bring glory to Himself. It's important for us to realize that He does not want everything to happen the way it does on Earth, but that doesn't mean that He cannot somehow use all of it. No ugliness down here is too far gone. My friend Lanise, who I respect very much, works in pediatric hospice care. Another friend's husband is a pediatric oncologist. The fact that these two occupations even exist makes me want to cry, and while I cannot read the mind of God, I imagine that it saddens Him as well. He doesn't desire for any of His children to dev...

Some days are just harder than others. Even if circumstantially, things are great, some days are just tough. Maybe you're sleep deprived, grieving something in the past, anxious about something in the future, or questioning something. This has always been true - read the Psalms! The book records serious lamenting, mourning and crying out to God. Hard days are nothing new. It's okay. We all have bad days. As Louie Giglio says, "worship displaces worry." Get in a quiet place, still your mind, and ask God to give you a worship mindset and remind you of his constant, eternal faithfulness. Park your mind there. Ask Him to help you stay there all day. He'll do it. xoxo.

A dear friend of mine lamented to me recently about her structured personality and how she wishes she could loosen up sometimes. This was a struggle I knew all too well, but I was reminded of a seemingly obvious but often forgotten truth: God made us that way.  God gave us our personalities. He created them. He decided if we would be talkative or reserved, a realist or a dreamer, a planner or a free spirit, and a million other preferences and tendencies. Like my friend. I spend a great deal of energy trying to change, circumvent or complain about certain aspects of "me." The enemy wants us discouraged. He wants to make the self critic scream louder than the voice of Truth. The truth is that God made and formed me (and you!), and all that He has made is good . We should conserve all of the energy we spend fighting our least favorite traits and use this energy to ask Him how we can channel them for His glory instead. We're wired intentionally, for a purpose greate...

Biblical scholars think that the wise men spent months, if not a year or more, looking for Jesus. Finally, in Matthew 2:10, the Word says, " When they saw the star, they were overjoyed." What a profound verse. Here's what I glean from this sentence: 1. The wise men were looking, and looking expectantly. They believed what they had been told, and then they actively pursued the fulfillment of it. When God tells you something, do you A) believe Him, and B) wait for it expectantly? Sometimes I struggle with part A. If I do decide to believe and get to the waiting-for-fulfillment part, then I probably wait impatiently, agonizing, instead of expectantly continuing forward in the direction God has given. Oh how I long to "stay on the path" and pursue what God has for me, as the wise men did, instead of getting impatient and trying to make my own way! 2. The wise men recognized the star as a sign . Sometimes when God shows up, we don't even recognize Him....

I struggle with mental illness. Like many others, I can't really define myself as falling cleanly into one category or give myself a specific diagnosis. Mine has manifested in different ways during different seasons of my life: sometimes it's anxiety, but other times it's depression, disordered eating, obsessive compulsion or a cocktail of these. Regardless, it's there, and while I experience a lot of happiness in my life, there's also some inner turmoil that I fight to keep at bay. Why am I telling you this? It's certainly not for pity or to draw attention to myself. I'm guessing that many people reading this also struggle, but others may not. For both parties, I want to take a stab at normalizing mental illness and I also want to point out a few things I've found to be true: - Mental illness is not limited to a certain stereotype. Depression doesn't just affect teenagers who prefer dark clothes and hooded jackets! It's not just the poor, ju...

This motherhood thing, y'all...whew. It's exhausting. I imagine that many of you are sick of me posting about Olivia and parenting, but that's the world I'm living in right now, so that's where my head is - morning, noon and night. I adore her and am incredibly grateful for this season (more on that below), but gah! This is the third morning this week she has woken up for the day before 5am, if that helps to paint the picture of my current reality. It takes a lot of energy to keep another person alive, much less foster her development and prepare her to be a thriving person. Mothering requires being awake physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. As soon as you have one phase, schedule or milestone figured out, your child is on to the next. That means that you have research, planning and training to do! Sure, a (young) child naps some, but moms typically need that time to accomplish things they cannot do with a child present. Oh, and there's...

Thank you, God for the things I have been a part of and the places that you have taken me. And thank you, God, for moving me forward. Thank you for shifting my focus and resetting the stepping stones on the path. Thank you for cleansing my mind. Thank you for reshaping my priorities, wiping the fog off of my lenses, widening my perspective, causing me to have so many questions, shredding my confidence because it was rooted in the wrong things, and allowing me to get uncomfortable... because that's when I grow. Thank you for beginning to restore peace. Thank you for straightening my slumped shoulders, lifting my eyes, brightening my view, reminding me of your unconditional goodness, beginning to reveal how the pieces might fit together one day, helping me trust you, patiently reminding me of my role versus yours and affirming that you are the source of all that's good. Thank you for your unwavering steadiness through it all. Thank you that nothing is too difficult for...

John and I have some decisions to make about future goals, but we just don't have clarity. This is making my obsessive planner, overanalyzing mind go bonkers. Seasons of uncertainty tend to unsettle me, though I should use them to hunker down make sure that I'm prepared. How can I fight my hamster instincts and choose to be faithful where I am instead of spinning my wheels of worry? Choose to not long for the past. When things seem gray and ambiguous, it's easy to look back and wish for an easier time. However, this is not productive and will only leave us more distracted and discontent with the present. Don't linger there. Choose to not pine for the (unknown) future. Scripture tells us to focus on whatever is true , noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8). Any future daydreams we have are not true - they are fantasies that we construct based on our hopes. Do not give precious energy to things that aren't real yet. Ch...

For the first time that I can remember, I have minimal weekly commitments. I work in an office for a few hours each week, try to attend church on Sunday, and try to make it to a playgroup on Wednesday mornings, but that's pretty much it. Oh, and I have zero evening commitments. My days consist of waking up early with Olivia, feeding/clothing/changing her, preparing meals for our family, running errands between her naps, working while she rests, and going for walks and playdates with other mommies while she is awake. It's pretty simple, and it all revolves around our home. This season has been such a change of pace for me. Historically I overjam my calendar and then stress about how in the world I am going to get it all done. Most days, I love my life, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I cherish the privilege of being the one who is able to experience each milestone and moment - however seemingly insignificant - with my daughter. However, there are also days whe...

Birthdays make me reflective, so I have been thinking back over this year. My friend Justin Woelk published a blog post on his birthday sharing some things he has discovered, and I loved it. His post inspired me to recall lessons I've learned in the past year. Here goes: 1. The most effective way to love people is to speak their love language. I finally understood this year that to love people well, I need to love them the way that THEY like to receive love. We all default to expressing love in whatever way is most convenient for us, but that doesn't necessarily translate or communicate love to the other person. John's love language is touch, so while he may appreciate me cleaning the house (an act of service) while he is at work, it doesn't necessarily show him that I love him. I need to remember to rub his neck while we're watching a show together instead. Silly example, but the principle remains: study the people you love, figure out what they love, and make...