I've been a mom for 6.5 months now and back at work in a part-time capacity for 4 months. (Yes, I'm an inconsistent blogger, I know). It goes without saying that the last 6.5 months have been filled with significant changes for me.
I've done a LOT of processing over these months, and I've learned about myself from seeing how I have responded to the transitions in my life and the awesome privilege (and responsibility) of raising a child. A few key things I've learned about myself are how much I crave leadership, how I often look to the wrong places to meet this need, and how scared I am of freedom.
I am with Olivia all day every day, with the exception of the one day each week I go into the office and she is with a babysitter. Being with her is an amazing privilege and I am so thankful that God has orchestrated the details of our lives and jobs so that it's possible! However, it also means that no one else is with me all day, observing my parenting decisions and giving me guidance or constructive criticism. No one is telling me how to adjust her schedule if she wakes up early for a nap, when I should introduce her to a new food, and the countless other small yet significant decisions a mom has to make as she creates her family culture. My husband is an amazing, hands-on dad, but he is at work providing for us and obviously can't weigh in on my parenting on weekdays when he isn't present.
Once he returned to work following his paternity leave, I found myself feeling a little lost at the end of some days, wondering if I had done the "right" things for her that day and second guessing many of my choices. I felt restless, like I was shooting in the dark, as I tried to figure out a rhythm of life for Olivia and I and create some structure in our many hours together. I would research online and get opinions from my friends about schedules, feeding, development, etc., but it only takes about two clicks on Google to realize how much conflicting advice that exists about parenting!
Bottom line: with many choices, there is no "right" and "wrong" decision - there's freedom. Most people love this freedom, but I actually found it quite crippling. I wanted someone holding my hand and spoon-feeding me plans to guarantee "success" (which is also an undefined term in parenting). I wanted a formula that told me exactly how to raise this little person to thrive, and I wanted someone guiding me each step of the way, providing praise when I hit the mark and guidance for correcting my errors when I did not.
The Holy Spirit is who I should have sought first. It was the Father who created my mind and body, and Olivia's as well, so He is the one who knows how to best care for and lead us. Instead of asking for His wisdom and help, I panicked and absorbed all I could from research and the experience of other moms. I let the lack of guidance paralyze me instead of viewing it as an opportunity to spend time with Him and learn how to rely on Him in a new, very real way.
I want to do whatever I do with excellence - I believe that's how we are called to live - but it's only the Holy Spirit who can be our "supervisor" and let us know when we are achieving excellence. He's the one we all ultimately "report to," so why is He often the last one we (or me, anyway) call on for help, exhausting all human wisdom before calling His name?
I know now that I need to begin each day by surrendering it to Him and asking the Holy Spirit to guide each decision and help me walk confidently once I have heard from Him. Google, other moms, John, pediatricians and books can never give me the confident assurance that He can. Praying I will have the discipline to seek His face before anyone else's as I continue this journey.
I've done a LOT of processing over these months, and I've learned about myself from seeing how I have responded to the transitions in my life and the awesome privilege (and responsibility) of raising a child. A few key things I've learned about myself are how much I crave leadership, how I often look to the wrong places to meet this need, and how scared I am of freedom.
I am with Olivia all day every day, with the exception of the one day each week I go into the office and she is with a babysitter. Being with her is an amazing privilege and I am so thankful that God has orchestrated the details of our lives and jobs so that it's possible! However, it also means that no one else is with me all day, observing my parenting decisions and giving me guidance or constructive criticism. No one is telling me how to adjust her schedule if she wakes up early for a nap, when I should introduce her to a new food, and the countless other small yet significant decisions a mom has to make as she creates her family culture. My husband is an amazing, hands-on dad, but he is at work providing for us and obviously can't weigh in on my parenting on weekdays when he isn't present.
Once he returned to work following his paternity leave, I found myself feeling a little lost at the end of some days, wondering if I had done the "right" things for her that day and second guessing many of my choices. I felt restless, like I was shooting in the dark, as I tried to figure out a rhythm of life for Olivia and I and create some structure in our many hours together. I would research online and get opinions from my friends about schedules, feeding, development, etc., but it only takes about two clicks on Google to realize how much conflicting advice that exists about parenting!
Bottom line: with many choices, there is no "right" and "wrong" decision - there's freedom. Most people love this freedom, but I actually found it quite crippling. I wanted someone holding my hand and spoon-feeding me plans to guarantee "success" (which is also an undefined term in parenting). I wanted a formula that told me exactly how to raise this little person to thrive, and I wanted someone guiding me each step of the way, providing praise when I hit the mark and guidance for correcting my errors when I did not.
The Holy Spirit is who I should have sought first. It was the Father who created my mind and body, and Olivia's as well, so He is the one who knows how to best care for and lead us. Instead of asking for His wisdom and help, I panicked and absorbed all I could from research and the experience of other moms. I let the lack of guidance paralyze me instead of viewing it as an opportunity to spend time with Him and learn how to rely on Him in a new, very real way.
I want to do whatever I do with excellence - I believe that's how we are called to live - but it's only the Holy Spirit who can be our "supervisor" and let us know when we are achieving excellence. He's the one we all ultimately "report to," so why is He often the last one we (or me, anyway) call on for help, exhausting all human wisdom before calling His name?
I know now that I need to begin each day by surrendering it to Him and asking the Holy Spirit to guide each decision and help me walk confidently once I have heard from Him. Google, other moms, John, pediatricians and books can never give me the confident assurance that He can. Praying I will have the discipline to seek His face before anyone else's as I continue this journey.
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