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Autopilot

I kind of feel like I have been living the last few weeks on autopilot. Do you ever feel this way? My days have been so full that I'm just going through the motions, sliding (more like racing) from one activity to the next, but not fully present anywhere that I am.

I almost feel like I have started a mental countdown in my head for everything that I do (ex: Christmas and Passion 2011), and I'm watching time as it passes by rapidly instead of BEING in and seizing every moment. I'm enjoying moments, but I'm letting them happen to me instead of approaching life proactively. Living this way has a numbing effect, making me not fully aware of everything around me. I'm just existing and floating from one moment to the next without really synthesizing anything mentally.

I don't like to live this way. I wonder if it is a defensive mechanism I have put up in order to avoid being overwhelmed by the many things that are happening around and to me. I told a friend the other day that I have several semi-large concerns or situations that I know are there, but I'm pushing them to my peripheral vision so that I'm not really focusing on or addressing them. At any moment, I could zero in and latch on to one of them and really let it bog me down, but I'm choosing instead to vaguely be aware of them floating on the edges of my mind. That can be healthy sometimes. I would never be able to function if I spent all of my mental energy fixated on issues. However, I don't need to be in denial either, avoiding these situations or acting like they are going to resolve themselves.

I need to find a healthy balance - with both my time and mental energy. I need to streamline my schedule and compartmentalize my concerns (and therefore my emotions) to an extent. I don't need to let things consume me, nor do I need to shove them out of view. I need to give myself proper space and time to address things, and I need to address them proactively before I run out of time or things blow up in my face.

Thanks for letting me process that in the open. I explain myself better with words. Hadn't blogged in a while, and that was what was on my mind - regardless of if it makes sense to anyone but me! :-)

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