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Fully Present

I passed our infant carseat on to someone else last week. I did the same thing with my maternity clothes.

If those seems like drastic steps for someone who up until fairly recently said she wanted to be pregnant, it's because they are. They seemed that way to me too. Even though I was confident I was supposed to pass these items to these particular expectant moms, I still felt a lump in my throat as I drove away without the carseat.

If you've followed along with our journey at all, you know that as much as John adores Olivia, he never felt a strong pull to have a second child. I always wanted another and assumed that we would. It wasn't even a question in my mind. We continued to disagree on this (rather substantial) decision for quite a while, so we decided that we'd spend the year 2016 praying intentionally and specifically about this issue, asking God to bring unity.

I realize how funny this it is now. God is not a Magic 8 ball who provides answers at the precise time we ask. As 2016 was coming to a close and we were not on the same page still, a panic begin to set in for me. The reality that John really might not ever change his mind and Olivia might be our only child was sobering, and I felt such a lack of control over the situation.

A person I really trust suggested in January 2017 that I simply table the issue for six months. She recommended that I not bring up child #2 to John or press the issue externally, and internally I should make a deliberate effort to park my mind elsewhere when sadness, longing or bitterness creeps into my mind. When I was ready, she suggested I try to let the possibility of one child really settle in and work toward having an attitude of not only acceptance, but also gratitude for the family I have presently.

Surprisingly, as I followed her advice, I felt like a boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. I was free to enjoy my family and stop "what-if"-ing. I'd been living in a self-imposed purgatory, feeling like a lot of my goals and future plans hinged on this huge decision that was a big fat question mark. I chose to release and "unstick" myself, and I've moved forward, stepping in to the present fully.

 I can honestly say that the idea of a family of three is no longer painful to me. I praise God for that! I am not saying that I never, ever want to be pregnant again and that I won't revisit the issue down the road, but I don't see it being a conversation as soon as June, as I thought it would be. (If we need maternity clothes and a carseat later, God will provide!) I am totally open to expanding our family, if that's what God has in the cards for us, but I've realized that having just Olivia is not the end of the world. In fact, there is no "just Olivia," and I never want to act like she is not enough for me. Right now, after a long season of yearning and wishing, I'm content.

Why did I give the baby stuff away if that door is still cracked open for "one day?" Hanging on to all of that stuff in my basement choked me during my "in between" time of not knowing if I would be pregnant in the near-ish future. Shedding the clothes and gear was an important step for me, a physical demonstration for myself that purgatory is over.  I did feel a twinge of emotion as I took those steps and embraced the present, but doesn't emotion often accompany big steps we take, even when they are steps of obedience? I'm confident it was the right thing, and I'm glad I did it.

The point of this post is not only to give you a Harper family update, because I think you've probably gathered how I feel by some of my more recent Facebook posts. My point is to say, if you're waiting for God to answer you on something burning in your heart, hold on. Lamentations 3:22-23 tell us,

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.
Your mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning,
great is your faithfulness, O Lord,
great is your faithfulness!

He's coming. His plans are better than we can imagine. You WON'T feel like this forever or be in the dark forever. He is faithful and working all things to His glory and our good.



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